That's right. Its snowing. I wanted to go on a walk, but now I'm reconsidering. I'm actually thinking of napping on this pile of fleece blankets for the rest of the day, except for dinner of course. Mom's home from work today so that's good. She works picking up our poop. I don't know why she feels the need to go to other dog's yards to accomplish this, but so far I'm not a huge fan. She's gone from the house forever, and when she comes home she doesn't even have treats with her like she did at her last job. Also, I don't like my mom coming home smelling like other dogs poop. Its just wrong. If she keeps leaving us with Grandma (my third favorite human) its clear that I am going to have to become the Alpha of the house again. Someone has to.
Mom is all worked up today because "we have no money or food". I'm not sure what that means, since my kibble container is satisfyingly full, and there is clearly food in the fridge, I can smell mayonnaise for sure. Also, and this was a big event, she had rice for breakfast (I got to lick the bowl, suck it Bandit) so who knows what the issue is. Humans are confusing like that. Daddy and Mom keep talking about this place called "California" and how plausible (why does everyone assume I don't have a substantial vocabulary? Beagles are very smart) it is for us to move there. It sounds like a pretty great place. See, I have this aversion to cold and wet, so Minnesota is not the best place for me. Mom says we need to move cause we have something called "Seasonal Affective Disorder" which makes us no fun nine months out of the year. Well she says I don't really have it but I'm so attuned to her moods I kinda do. All I know is we don't like doing anything in the winter. Ever. And Mom leaks a lot from her face. Which is tasty.
I'm down with moving as long as our pack comes with us. Turns out my bff Mitch already lives in this place so that's a plus. But if Grandma doesn't come I don't know what I'd do. Probably whine a lot.
Speaking of, I have to admit something. I have this really serious problem, called Separation Anxiety, which makes me lose my mind sometimes. It's kinda embarrassing, but when my mom and dad leave me alone, I just start screaming and crying and baying. And then sometimes I lose control of my bowels. Oops. There's a great side story here though. When my Daddy and Mom first took me from that terrible place where I was in a kennel, we lived in this little apartment in St. Cloud. There was a neighbor who didn't like that I was making noise (I couldn't help it! I was so sad.) when they left me alone. She confronted my Mom outside our apartment and said that they should just put me down (what does that mean?). Daddy came around the corner and heard this and (apparently not realizing that it was a little old lady who was talking) said "Fuck you, Asshole!" Mom laughed for a really long time about that. I guess its not something humans normally say to little old ladies, even if they do smoke too much and sound like old men. Anyway, what was I talking about? Right. Separation Anxiety. My dirty little secret.
My bro-dog, Bandit, has it even worse than me. Which is apparently why we adopted him (cause hes super annoying? Great logic mom.) since we already know how to deal with crazy. We're chock full of crazy right now. Mom says no more animals until we can fix the ones we have. But not that kind of fix. *Shudder*
Bandit even has something called "stress colitis"which basically means if you leave us in a kennel he'll start having uncontrollable bloody diarrhea. Which we get all over us, cause we're freaking out. And then, when someone comes to save us, we get so excited we jump all over them...its not pretty. That's why Mom always has to leave us with somebody when she goes and does mysterious stuff that dogs can't do. Which raises the question, why even do it if dogs can't come?
Mom and Daddy payed some people a lot of money (which is...don't ask me) to help stop our Separation Anxiety, but then they were in her words "super lazy and distracted" so that didn't go as far as it could have. I still have hope. And I like the whole training thing cause its like one on one dog and human time. Its very mentally stimulating. Naturally, I was much better at it than Bandit.
Anyway, I think I've talked enough today. I'm probably gonna go poop in the basement, cause its way too cold and wet outside to go in the yard. Mom'll clean it up cause otherwise Daddy will be mad at her when he comes home and tries to work out. Ha.
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