My mom and I have decided to just quit today. If today wants anything from us, its gonna have to just do it itself, cause we're done. Shitty weather, no (human) food in the house, and Dad's at work. On a Saturday! wtf. Screw this, we quit. This is similar to what winter is like in this house, except -hello!- its fucking May. Time for some sunlight god damn it. I'm sorry, I don't usually swear this much, but you have to understand, Mom and I need a certain amount of sun in order to function. As a (mostly) black dog, I need at least three hours of lying in a sunspot in order to feel like myself. One day of shitty weather we can handle, but two days or more in a row and we start to get irritable and bitter and lose all motivation. If you make us sit through a few months of it, Daddy literally has to hide the sharp objects from Mom, and make sure she is never at home alone or she could off herself. So, come on May. Lets get warmer. Ok?
To add insult to injury, Bandit is not affected at all by all of this terrible weather. He's all happy and energetic and other annoying stuff. He even had the balls (not literally, wah wah) to step off of the sidewalk and poop on the squishy cold wet grass in the yard this morning. Disgusting. Mom tried to push me off the sidewalk and kept yelling "go potty, GusGus!", but I was like "ah, hell no!" and ran back to the house. I can hold it for a really long time, so I'll just wait until she has her back turned and go in the house.
On the upside, Uncle Mark and Lindsey came over last night and brought chicken. My parents are vegetarians (FREAKS) so its pretty rare for me to even get to smell meat cooking, let alone have some super klutzy humans dropping pieces of raw chicken all over me. Fucking awesome. Which brings up a not so awesome anecdote. Once, I was at this cool BBQ at our friend George's house, and there were a bunch of other dogs there. I was in my usual spot directly below the grill, watching this dude unwrap an individually wrapped chicken breast in its own juices. Then, to my joy, he started to open it sideways and all of the juices fell down! Onto my back. So that was frustrating, cause who can lick their own back? But to make matters worse, all the other dogs noticed that I was now chicken-flavored, and they spent the rest of the night chasing me around, licking me and drooling all over my fuzz. My Mom and Dad had to give me a bath when we got home and Mom called me a Gus-sicle for like a week. Humiliating.
Well, my stenographer says she should be doing productive things (whatever that means). So I guess I should go back to napping. If any of my readers have any sway over the weather- can I just put in a request for more sunlight? Thanks.
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