A blog about dogs, marriage, life, butt-sniffing, and depression.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I'm sorry, loyal followers.

   I've been a bad, bad dog. Or rather, my Mom has been a bad dog. A really bad one, actually, cause all she's been doing is sitting around feeling sorry for herself, NOT walking me, NOT trying to find a job so she can pay for my dog food, and NOT listening to me when I whine at her. Basically- she's been doing this-

It's been kinda rough around here lately, what with Mom not having a job, and Daddy being so busy and overwhelmed. Mom has just been sitting around selling stuff on ebay all day, watching Supernatural and feeling pathetic and full of self-pity. She's kinda lame. On a positive note Mom (in a desperate attempt to solve her constant struggle to find energy and motivation) has tried eating some meat lately. So thats freakin awesome. I got a piece of turkey hotdog. Best thing that happened this week so far. Mom hasn't eaten meat since she was in seventh grade (15 years ago- what a freak), so she's having a hard time getting used to the texture and flavor again. But apparently it would be worth it if it could affect her constant state of "meh"-ness. It's particularly odd for her to feel this way in summer, so my theory is she's just purposeless and that's why she's feeling like November in July. At least she's not quite at February-ish-ness yet, I hate that. If anyone has any ideas as to how my Mom can find a purpose and get some money, let me know, I'll pass it on to her. She and Daddy have been making those weird noises with the guitar and flute again lately, so maybe she could sit on a street corner with me and Bandit and get money that way. We could charge for dog kisses! Does that count as prostitution? I wouldn't mind, as long as food is involved. I'm easy that way. 

   We did have a garage sale last weekend, or maybe the weekend before that- I'm not great with time. Bandit and I had a lot of responsibility, it was kinda exhausting. But I guess someone's gotta guard all of our stuff. 

   The only problem with us being the guardians is that Bandit kinda has some racial issues. I've talked to him about it, and he just won't budge. It was really embarrassing, you know, like when you take your elderly grandma out to lunch and she accidently calls the waiter "one of those damn Mexicans"- and you have to take the waiter aside and apologize. Except with Bandit it's more like he sees a white person come to the sale and wags and barks a brief greeting. And then seconds later a black person comes up and he's all like "HEY! YOU! YEAH, YOU PUNK! I'M WATCHING YOU!" Which wouldn't be so bad, cause then Mom would just shut him up and it would be fine. But he watches the guy walk around the sale, keeping his eyes on him the whole time, and every few seconds he issues this little warning bark/growl- as if the guy was just about to pull out a gun and kill us all and Bandit just wants to let the guy know, he's on to him. Mom was actually blushing by the time the guy left. If I could have blushed I would have too. I don't know what it is that made Bandit this way, but he's the same way with kids. Don't even get me started on what he does when he sees a minority kid. I could just bite him sometimes, I swear. I'm gonna try to get Mom to keep writing- so keep your finger's crossed you'll see another post soon.

Dog-ku of the day-

I love my mother
but sometimes the boredom kills
why won't you walk me?


Friday, June 21, 2013

The dog food container is looking dangerously empty.

   When Mom fed me today I heard the scoop scrape the bottom of the container. Is no one else concerned about this? I am. Mom assured me we will be stopping by Chuck and Don's later, so I guess its ok. I get tons of treats there. Apparently it's take your dog to work day today, so since Mom is basically unemployed she took us to our living room while she got super distracted on the computer. Its kinda boring. But we find a way to entertain ourselves.

Dog-Ku of the Day:

Take me to water
Rushing river cool my paws
snail-snacks squish and crunch

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Mom needs to get a life.

   Seriously. I know I'm really adorable, (and have you tried to eat an apple without using thumbs? It's difficult.) but who spends their days videotaping their dogs eating? Someone lame. But it's okay cause she got hired today. She's gonna leave us every day for eight hours. WTF. I'm glad she's not gonna be sitting at home feeling sorry for herself anymore, but does she have to ditch the dogs in order to feel better? I don't think so. 
Oh well. I guess we'll just get to spend more time with Great-Aunt Wendy. At least she walks us. Mom hasn't even done that the last week! I mean come on. I'm asking for the bare minimum of effort here. 

   Hey, you know what's fun? When Mom and Daddy sing Gus songs. Usually Mom just walks around singing my name to replace the lyrics of whatever song she has in her head. Sometimes she has to stop herself cause it gets inappropriate. Or just sad, like when she sang "GusGus is dead." But my favorite is when Daddy and Mom sing to me. Like just now Mom was singing along with "Gaston" (yes, Mom has a Disney Pandora station, what of it?) and it turns out my name fits into that pretty well, so then they both start singing "GusGus". Its great. I wiggle around and run in circles a bunch cause it makes me so happy. Especially when they both sang "And every last inch of hims covered in hair!" That was the best. Good times. 

Dog-Ku for today:

Why are you so round?
Don't roll away from me please
I want to eat you

Sunday, June 9, 2013

My Stenographer Sucks.

   Mom was down and out sick the last week. She didn't take us on any walks, or even let us outside much. It sucked. She basically just lay on the couch and slept. Then she'd wake up and drink stuff, watch a movie, and then pass out again. Humans are gross when they're sick. But she made it up to us today by taking us to "Church" (i.e. the Minnehaha Dog Park). Its pretty much awesome. Bandit barks a lot, and Mom and Dad call him a jerk a bunch, but other than that its great. But it started raining a lot after awhile and then I really wanted to go home. Mom even had to put my red rain jacket with the hood on, cause the rain was getting in my eyes. Now I'm just exhausted. 

   Yes, I'm fucking adorable. No, I didn't pull that blanket over myself. In other news, I've decided to add another element to my blog. As you may know, I have some pretty strong opinions. So I am going to let the world have a little taste of the genius that is Gus. Starting this summer I shall go to as many dog-friendly restaurants and other businesses as I can. Then I'll offer some witty and intensely on-point feedback to you, the interested public. Read it. Your dogs will thank you. So watch out Minneapolis and 
St. Paul! Gus is coming, and he expects treats. 

Dog-ku of the day-

Sweet scents drift to me
Your intoxicating smell
May I sniff your butt? 

Monday, June 3, 2013

Sunny Days

   I want to pass something along to all of you. Its a long held secret of dog-kind. It goes like this-

If you're having a crappy day, just go outside and enjoy the sunshine. Sniff around a little bit, who knows what you'll find in your own backyard?

If you find something that sniff's pretty good, dig at it for awhile. Then, do this-

It feels pretty great. Then, once you've really got your head covered in the scent, flop your whole body down. Don't be shy. 

It's important to really wiggle your whole body. Let the sun warm your fur, and feel that refreshing earthy scent fill your nostrils. If you get lonely, invite a friend or family member over to enjoy the good sniff with you-

Just don't let them hog it. It's a universal joy, scritching a good scritch with a nice wriggle in the dirt. There are so many benefits. It's exfoliating, and smells better than any perfume. You are getting a healthy dose of vitamin D, and a wonderful release of endorphins. Bandit recommends accompanying your wriggling with a good "errrarrrrgh awwwwerrrr" noise, but that's a personal preference. I even caught Chester doing his version of this yesterday. 

It was a good day for it. I think if all of you humans could just relax and wriggle in the dirt for a few hours every day, the world would be a much more peaceful place. Of course, it is tiring work, and at some point you have to give yourself a break and just sleep. I recommend a nice sun-warmed pile of dirt, but whatever you can do to enjoy the weather is a good idea. 

Dog-ku of the day:

Warm breeze caress me
Soft earth sink beneath my paws
Sunshine heat my fur

Saturday, June 1, 2013

I forgot the dog-ku!

Sorry guys, I know you were probably really disapointed the last few days.

Fear. Growing, Flowing
Through my veins like ice-water 
When I see you leave

Every day you go
My heart freezes like dog food
In a tasty Kong.  

What happened to my living room?

   Mom says she's too tired to write much so I'm gonna try to keep this brief. Mom and Grandma left me and Daddy and Bandit for hours today, and when they came back, they did this to our house-

Mom seems pretty excited about it, which I understand, cause appreciating the comfy-ness of furniture is sort of a specialty of mine. She even took one of the old cushions from the couch she doesn't like and gave it to Bandit and I as an awesome dog bed! Finally she appreciates that I am getting up there in age and sleeping on lumpy, crappy dog beds is not going to help with my attitude. 

This bed is way nicer than our old one. She owes us cause she has left us alone too much the last few days and soon she'll understand that we will get her back. Like today, when Bandit was so freaked out with all the couches being moved he just peed on Grandma's floor. There is way more where that came from, people. We will make you clean up all of our bodily fluids if you don't comply with our demands. Ha. 

   But seriously, Mom, if you don't want me to bite you, start taking me with you. Or else.