Food?

  Mom came home mad today. I don't understand, cause she said she was working all morning on Lake Minnetonka, which sounds like a good thing to me. But apparently this lake is where ridiculously rich jerks live, and she doesn't like standing in the rain picking up their dog's poop. It doesn't help that she has to stand next to the lawn furniture that costs more than she makes in a year. Seriously. Mom looked it up online. One of those chairs costs $1,445-$1,970. You could buy a lot of good dog food with that kind of money. But Mom says they must not be able to afford good dog food after all of that money they spend on their awesome yards, 'cause all of their dogs have multi-colored diarrhea from eating Beneful and Kibbles and Bits. I used to eat that stuff when we lived in St. Cloud cause Mom and Dad didn't have any money. I used to puke five times a day! Turns out that when they color the little kibble pieces, it comes out colored on the other end. Our rug looked like someone had spilled orange and yellow paint all over it. Good times. 

   But those days are over now, cause I finally did what Mom has asked me to do for years- I got a job! Now I can buy my own dog food. I'm going raw, all the way. Mom signed us up for Google AdSense and now I'm gonna start getting rich, I hope. So far I've made a dollar. Hooray! That should cover a few bags of raw food right? I'm a little confused about this whole money thing. Speaking of food, why hasn't anyone fed me yet? It's gotta be dinner time soon. I've been crying about it forever. I even tried to threaten them with really graphic punishments, but they just said "aww...did you see how his lip got stuck on his tooth?" and then they laughed. Sigh. They like to do this to me when I beg for food too:

Extremely frustrating. I try and try to communicate serious and important matters and they respond like giggling pre-teens. They're lucky they get it eventually or I'd have to go bad-ass on them and rescue the dog food from the closet myself. I've done it before and it worked out ok. It was awesome actually, I ate about seven pounds of food in about five minutes. Then Mom freaked out cause I was trying to puke but I couldn't, and my abdomen felt about as hard as a tree. We went to the emergency vet and Mom and Dad got to spend lots of money while I got poked and stuff. That part sucked. But I got this cool picture of my stomach-

Apparently this is what its supposed to look like.

Clearly I had a bit of weight to lose. Don't judge me.