I'm sorry, loyal followers.

   I've been a bad, bad dog. Or rather, my Mom has been a bad dog. A really bad one, actually, cause all she's been doing is sitting around feeling sorry for herself, NOT walking me, NOT trying to find a job so she can pay for my dog food, and NOT listening to me when I whine at her. Basically- she's been doing this-

It's been kinda rough around here lately, what with Mom not having a job, and Daddy being so busy and overwhelmed. Mom has just been sitting around selling stuff on ebay all day, watching Supernatural and feeling pathetic and full of self-pity. She's kinda lame. On a positive note Mom (in a desperate attempt to solve her constant struggle to find energy and motivation) has tried eating some meat lately. So thats freakin awesome. I got a piece of turkey hotdog. Best thing that happened this week so far. Mom hasn't eaten meat since she was in seventh grade (15 years ago- what a freak), so she's having a hard time getting used to the texture and flavor again. But apparently it would be worth it if it could affect her constant state of "meh"-ness. It's particularly odd for her to feel this way in summer, so my theory is she's just purposeless and that's why she's feeling like November in July. At least she's not quite at February-ish-ness yet, I hate that. If anyone has any ideas as to how my Mom can find a purpose and get some money, let me know, I'll pass it on to her. She and Daddy have been making those weird noises with the guitar and flute again lately, so maybe she could sit on a street corner with me and Bandit and get money that way. We could charge for dog kisses! Does that count as prostitution? I wouldn't mind, as long as food is involved. I'm easy that way. 

   We did have a garage sale last weekend, or maybe the weekend before that- I'm not great with time. Bandit and I had a lot of responsibility, it was kinda exhausting. But I guess someone's gotta guard all of our stuff. 

   The only problem with us being the guardians is that Bandit kinda has some racial issues. I've talked to him about it, and he just won't budge. It was really embarrassing, you know, like when you take your elderly grandma out to lunch and she accidently calls the waiter "one of those damn Mexicans"- and you have to take the waiter aside and apologize. Except with Bandit it's more like he sees a white person come to the sale and wags and barks a brief greeting. And then seconds later a black person comes up and he's all like "HEY! YOU! YEAH, YOU PUNK! I'M WATCHING YOU!" Which wouldn't be so bad, cause then Mom would just shut him up and it would be fine. But he watches the guy walk around the sale, keeping his eyes on him the whole time, and every few seconds he issues this little warning bark/growl- as if the guy was just about to pull out a gun and kill us all and Bandit just wants to let the guy know, he's on to him. Mom was actually blushing by the time the guy left. If I could have blushed I would have too. I don't know what it is that made Bandit this way, but he's the same way with kids. Don't even get me started on what he does when he sees a minority kid. I could just bite him sometimes, I swear. I'm gonna try to get Mom to keep writing- so keep your finger's crossed you'll see another post soon.

Dog-ku of the day-

I love my mother

but sometimes the boredom kills

why won't you walk me?

   

The dog food container is looking dangerously empty.

   When Mom fed me today I heard the scoop scrape the bottom of the container. Is no one else concerned about this? I am. Mom assured me we will be stopping by Chuck and Don's later, so I guess its ok. I get tons of treats there. Apparently it's take your dog to work day today, so since Mom is basically unemployed she took us to our living room while she got super distracted on the computer. Its kinda boring. But we find a way to entertain ourselves.

Dog-Ku of the Day:

Take me to water

Rushing river cool my paws

snail-snacks squish and crunch

Mom needs to get a life.

   Seriously. I know I'm really adorable, (and have you tried to eat an apple without using thumbs? It's difficult.) but who spends their days videotaping their dogs eating? Someone lame. But it's okay cause she got hired today. She's gonna leave us every day for eight hours. WTF. I'm glad she's not gonna be sitting at home feeling sorry for herself anymore, but does she have to ditch the dogs in order to feel better? I don't think so. 
Oh well. I guess we'll just get to spend more time with Great-Aunt Wendy. At least she walks us. Mom hasn't even done that the last week! I mean come on. I'm asking for the bare minimum of effort here. 

   Hey, you know what's fun? When Mom and Daddy sing Gus songs. Usually Mom just walks around singing my name to replace the lyrics of whatever song she has in her head. Sometimes she has to stop herself cause it gets inappropriate. Or just sad, like when she sang "GusGus is dead." But my favorite is when Daddy and Mom sing to me. Like just now Mom was singing along with "Gaston" (yes, Mom has a Disney Pandora station, what of it?) and it turns out my name fits into that pretty well, so then they both start singing "GusGus". Its great. I wiggle around and run in circles a bunch cause it makes me so happy. Especially when they both sang "And every last inch of hims covered in hair!" That was the best. Good times. 


Dog-Ku for today:

Why are you so round?
Don't roll away from me please
I want to eat you

My Stenographer Sucks.

   Mom was down and out sick the last week. She didn't take us on any walks, or even let us outside much. It sucked. She basically just lay on the couch and slept. Then she'd wake up and drink stuff, watch a movie, and then pass out again. Humans are gross when they're sick. But she made it up to us today by taking us to "Church" (i.e. the Minnehaha Dog Park). Its pretty much awesome. Bandit barks a lot, and Mom and Dad call him a jerk a bunch, but other than that its great. But it started raining a lot after awhile and then I really wanted to go home. Mom even had to put my red rain jacket with the hood on, cause the rain was getting in my eyes. Now I'm just exhausted. 

   Yes, I'm fucking adorable. No, I didn't pull that blanket over myself. In other news, I've decided to add another element to my blog. As you may know, I have some pretty strong opinions. So I am going to let the world have a little taste of the genius that is Gus. Starting this summer I shall go to as many dog-friendly restaurants and other businesses as I can. Then I'll offer some witty and intensely on-point feedback to you, the interested public. Read it. Your dogs will thank you. So watch out Minneapolis and 
St. Paul! Gus is coming, and he expects treats. 


Dog-ku of the day-

Sweet scents drift to me
Your intoxicating smell
May I sniff your butt? 

Sunny Days

   I want to pass something along to all of you. Its a long held secret of dog-kind. It goes like this-

If you're having a crappy day, just go outside and enjoy the sunshine. Sniff around a little bit, who knows what you'll find in your own backyard?

If you find something that sniff's pretty good, dig at it for awhile. Then, do this-

It feels pretty great. Then, once you've really got your head covered in the scent, flop your whole body down. Don't be shy. 

It's important to really wiggle your whole body. Let the sun warm your fur, and feel that refreshing earthy scent fill your nostrils. If you get lonely, invite a friend or family member over to enjoy the good sniff with you-

Just don't let them hog it. It's a universal joy, scritching a good scritch with a nice wriggle in the dirt. There are so many benefits. It's exfoliating, and smells better than any perfume. You are getting a healthy dose of vitamin D, and a wonderful release of endorphins. Bandit recommends accompanying your wriggling with a good "errrarrrrgh awwwwerrrr" noise, but that's a personal preference. I even caught Chester doing his version of this yesterday. 

It was a good day for it. I think if all of you humans could just relax and wriggle in the dirt for a few hours every day, the world would be a much more peaceful place. Of course, it is tiring work, and at some point you have to give yourself a break and just sleep. I recommend a nice sun-warmed pile of dirt, but whatever you can do to enjoy the weather is a good idea. 

Dog-ku of the day:

Warm breeze caress me
Soft earth sink beneath my paws
Sunshine heat my fur

I forgot the dog-ku!

Sorry guys, I know you were probably really disapointed the last few days.

Fear. Growing, Flowing
Through my veins like ice-water 
When I see you leave

Every day you go
My heart freezes like dog food
In a tasty Kong.  

What happened to my living room?

   Mom says she's too tired to write much so I'm gonna try to keep this brief. Mom and Grandma left me and Daddy and Bandit for hours today, and when they came back, they did this to our house-

Mom seems pretty excited about it, which I understand, cause appreciating the comfy-ness of furniture is sort of a specialty of mine. She even took one of the old cushions from the couch she doesn't like and gave it to Bandit and I as an awesome dog bed! Finally she appreciates that I am getting up there in age and sleeping on lumpy, crappy dog beds is not going to help with my attitude. 

This bed is way nicer than our old one. She owes us cause she has left us alone too much the last few days and soon she'll understand that we will get her back. Like today, when Bandit was so freaked out with all the couches being moved he just peed on Grandma's floor. There is way more where that came from, people. We will make you clean up all of our bodily fluids if you don't comply with our demands. Ha. 

   But seriously, Mom, if you don't want me to bite you, start taking me with you. Or else. 

Breaking News!

Mom Sucks. 

Why should I stop licking my butt? You stop playing Pokemon.

   Sorry I've been gone from the interwebs for a few days guys, my Mom has been totally out of commission lately. I know humans are strangely squeamish about this sort of thing, but she is in that phase human females get into a week (or in my Mom's case, like 3 weeks...boo) before they go into heat, where she gets all mid-januaryish all of a sudden, complete with terrible depression, thoughts of suicide, random sobbing and sometimes extreme irritation. I'm glad I'm a male. Females are complicated, with all their hormones and stuff. It almost makes me glad that the AHS chopped off my testes, but not quite. Mom and Dad didn't arrive soon enough to save me, but I'm sure they would have if they could. Right guys? Mom even starting talking about having a baby just to make this stuff go away. Dad looked scared and did a strange little laugh. I wouldn't mind a baby in the house, but I better still get the same level of attention. 

   Mom is listening to the Showtunes radio station on Pandora. It makes her extra loud and annoying. Especially since her voice isn't high enough to completely cover the female parts, and not quite deep enough to cover the deeper male parts. She sounds a bit like a squeeky toy sometimes, which just makes me want to bite her more. I on the other hand have a very robust voice. And I stick to howling, I don't try to sing things I can't- hint hint Mom. She doesn't seem to be getting it. Oh well. As long as Mary Poppins doesn't come on again. 

   I have high hopes for this weekend guys. Mom and Dad have tons of gardening to do, so they'll probably be around, plus I heard a rumor that my bff Mitch might be in town, which pretty much just makes my life complete. Except, it makes me sorta sad, cause why did he leave me in the first place? I don't understand humans. I think that's why Mom and I get along so well. She has the same goals and dreams as me. We could live on a huge farm-type place, with a lake or a river, and tons of forest, and everyone we love would live there too, and we would all sleep in the same room in a big pile, and it would never get too cold, and there would be free food everywhere! Ok, so the last few parts might be just me. Strangely Mom and Dad seem to prefer sleeping in that big bed without everyone else we know. I like to cuddle when I sleep, but I guess that's just a dog thing. But why is it just me and Mom that feel this way? Daddy wants to live in the city and be around music and stuff. Even though I make sure he never really gets to go enjoy that sort of thing too often. Everyone has their own agendas and they never fit in with the dog's. Like, why can't all my grandparents live together? There's some complication there, but I don't get it. Also, why can't Lucy get along with my other dog bffs like Trevor and Beans and Mac Daddy and Pickles and Emma and all the others? I pretty much like everyone. Except that one guy on the street. You know who you are, douche bag. I'll rip your throat out if you come near my family again! Grr. I'm getting upset just thinking about it. 

crazy baby squirrel!

   We gardened all day today. I'm snoring so loudly Mom can barely hear what I'm dictating to her. It was a very tiring day, especially since we all stayed up late burning wood and grilling food. Mom had too much of something called "Gin" and went to bed before our friends left. I was ok with it though, cause it was way past my bedtime anyway, and I don't like the big scary fire-thing. It torments me cause there are people dropping delicious food, but then theres this really terrible hot monster right by the dropped food. It's tough being a dog.

   While we were gardening today a baby squirrel came and stood on Mom's shoe. It was shaking and I was having a hard time distinguishing whether it was food or maybe a friend. Bandit knew immediately what it was and starting going crazy trying to eat it. It hung around us all day, standing a few feet from Mom and Dad as they dug around in the dirt (who knows what they were doing, they must have smelled something awesome). Then when we went into the back yard I sniffed it just a few steps away from me, and I was considering my next move when Mom grabbed me and Bandit and the squirrel got away. Then we were really excited so we ran around in circles and jumped on each other for a few minutes. I have to admit, I may have been a bit too vocal, cause Mom had to remind me to keep it down a few times. 

I'm gonna sleep some more now, I am completely wiped! 

Here's the dog-ku for the day:

Guarding our domain
Shoulder to shoulder we stand
No dog-foe shall pass

What's a Zubat?

   I think Mom has officially lost it. She's spending all her time looking at her phone, and screaming things like "Suck it ZUBAT!" and "Another Geodude! Shit!" As far as I know, these are not words. She also seems very disappointed with someone called "Metapod". Every time she tries to pronounce "Rattata" Dad glares at her and says "Its Rat-a-ta with a hard a sound! Not Rat-a-tat, not Rat-a-ta-ta, not Rat-a-tat-a!" Why is Daddy so angry about these strange words? Oh dear. Daddy just pulled out a book I didn't know we had called "the official Pokemon Handbook" and looked up the pronunciation. Apparently it's "Ruh-ta-tah". What is going on?

   I give up. I'm just glad my name is easy to pronounce and no one has to fight about it. Maybe they're talking about the rats that we used to have. They died, but not cause I ate them, I swear. They used to nip at my nose. I was sort of afraid of them to be honest. Today Mom and Dad had really big plans about distributing the giant pile of dirt in our front yard, and digging up all the sod to make room for gardens. But now its super gross and wet and rainy out, and I don't wanna sit out there!

   I've decided that I really want to challenge myself on a creative and spiritual level, so from now on I shall end my posts with a little dog-ku (that's a dog haiku for those of you who can't understand simple dog-speech). Here's my dog-ku for today. 

Mushy wet gross grass
Disturbs delicate dog paws
Take me inside now

I used alliteration! Beagle for the win! 

Dogs Alone!

   Mom is gonna leave us alone this morning. I can tell. There's a strange and eerie stillness in the air. Soon, she'll start getting ready for work, and since she already dropped Daddy off at his work, there will be no one around to stop us from screaming! AHHHHH! 

   Sorry. I get sort of worked up about this. Ever since I was dropped at the Humane Society by my last owner (of two years) I really don't like being left alone. Have I mentioned that? Phew. Deep breaths Gus. You're not alone yet. Oh god. Oh God. OH GOD-SHE'S GONNA LEAVE US! HELP! BAAAAAAAAAAAA-ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

   Ok, calming myself down doesn't always or ever work. But Bandit's worse, so its ok. Mom is trying to ignore all of this. She's crushing on this dude:

Which I don't understand, cause how can you crush on someone if you can't sniff their butt? Mom's all about the geeky-ness and (BONUS!) he sings too! I have a pretty good singing voice myself. That's probably why she loves me so much. But it's a good deal that Mom like that dude, cause he tends to be on the little screen-thing with this chick:

   And lets face it, Daddy isn't the only one who'd like to lick her face. Mom and Daddy spend a LOT of time watching the little screen thing. I don't really understand it entirely, but sometimes I do freak out when the screen makes a sound like a doorbell, or (dog-forbid) a smoke alarm. It works out pretty well though, cause when they are watching those peeps and maybe some of these guys-

And then I do this-

But can I ask you guys something? Who are those people that my parents spend so much time watching? Why do they do it? My theory is that humans sniff with their eyes. Cause I could sit outside and sniff for hours, and Mom and Dad can sit inside and watch that screen for hours. Does that make sense? Who knows. I'm tired from all of this thinking. Wish me luck! Hopefully Mom won't leave us alone forever again. 

   

Killing can be fun.

   So, There was this intruder in our house last night. 

Don't worry, we killed him. Well, I killed him.

And I'm not ashamed. He deserved it. 

You're looking at the face of a cold-blooded killer folks. But I usually try to contain my murderous ways to stuffed animals. Sometimes I get overexcited (and therefore murderous) when I have some really good food, and then I try to eat Bandit's face and or soul. But, really, what's the big deal? If I have a dish that was used to cook fish and he tries to get in there, its my job to let him know who's the boss (it's me, btw). Also, sometimes I bite Mom if she tries to get in between me and Bandit when I'm trying to kill him,* or when she's playing with me and I mistake her skin for a toy. Like this-

That happened a few days ago. She's fine, so don't worry about it. She knows what she's getting into when she messes with the Beast. I have jaws of steel! GRR. 
Sorry, I got carried away there. I didn't mean to scare you. 

   In other news, it's finally sunny outside again! Hooray! Great-Aunt Wendy is gonna dog-sit us today and I am really hoping that we do some gardening and sit out in the front yard.  I don't know if you guys know this, but its a ton of work. We have to sniff all of those sniffs, and guard the house from intruders, and make sure the humans keep on task. Mom and Daddy have been trying to do it more often, but its been too rainy and I refuse to sit outside in that kind of weather. Mom says she might just quit her job if gas prices keep climbing and stay home with us and garden and blog. I told her that was ok as long as she gets her own blog and doesn't steal mine. Also, she has to make enough money to be able to bring home the dog food. Or human food for dogs, that works too. Oh, and she has to be able to pay the internet bill cause I need to do this thing. My fans need me. Right? 














*It really doesn't happen all that often I swear. 

Food?

  Mom came home mad today. I don't understand, cause she said she was working all morning on Lake Minnetonka, which sounds like a good thing to me. But apparently this lake is where ridiculously rich jerks live, and she doesn't like standing in the rain picking up their dog's poop. It doesn't help that she has to stand next to the lawn furniture that costs more than she makes in a year. Seriously. Mom looked it up online. One of those chairs costs $1,445-$1,970. You could buy a lot of good dog food with that kind of money. But Mom says they must not be able to afford good dog food after all of that money they spend on their awesome yards, 'cause all of their dogs have multi-colored diarrhea from eating Beneful and Kibbles and Bits. I used to eat that stuff when we lived in St. Cloud cause Mom and Dad didn't have any money. I used to puke five times a day! Turns out that when they color the little kibble pieces, it comes out colored on the other end. Our rug looked like someone had spilled orange and yellow paint all over it. Good times. 

   But those days are over now, cause I finally did what Mom has asked me to do for years- I got a job! Now I can buy my own dog food. I'm going raw, all the way. Mom signed us up for Google AdSense and now I'm gonna start getting rich, I hope. So far I've made a dollar. Hooray! That should cover a few bags of raw food right? I'm a little confused about this whole money thing. Speaking of food, why hasn't anyone fed me yet? It's gotta be dinner time soon. I've been crying about it forever. I even tried to threaten them with really graphic punishments, but they just said "aww...did you see how his lip got stuck on his tooth?" and then they laughed. Sigh. They like to do this to me when I beg for food too:

Extremely frustrating. I try and try to communicate serious and important matters and they respond like giggling pre-teens. They're lucky they get it eventually or I'd have to go bad-ass on them and rescue the dog food from the closet myself. I've done it before and it worked out ok. It was awesome actually, I ate about seven pounds of food in about five minutes. Then Mom freaked out cause I was trying to puke but I couldn't, and my abdomen felt about as hard as a tree. We went to the emergency vet and Mom and Dad got to spend lots of money while I got poked and stuff. That part sucked. But I got this cool picture of my stomach-

Apparently this is what its supposed to look like.

Clearly I had a bit of weight to lose. Don't judge me. 

Rain, Rain, Rain

   So some good news, Mom came back. I know you were probably concerned. But when she came home she smelled like this dog-

Not cool Mom. I also deducted that she spent time with a very messy baby which is equally not cool. Look at this:

Ok. I could lick the hell out of that baby. Which begs the question, where are the dogs in this picture? There is whipped cream on a baby! You dogs shame me. 

   Anyway. It's gross and rainy today. Just like the last few days. WTF. Mom left me and Bandit with Grandma and then to add more anxiety to that scenario it thundered all weekend! I hate thunder. So does Bandit. It makes us shake and cry and sometimes pee ourselves. That mostly happens to Bandit, but man is that embarrassing. He always looks at his junk afterwards, like "hey, who said you could do that?" Even Chester hates this weather. He likes sitting in the windows when they're open and this whole cold and rainy thing spoils that. 

He still manages.

   Ok people so I've had some time to think recently. My Mom makes a point to only buy all that crap she puts on her face, head, and hands if it has a little bunny symbol on it. like this: 

I was curious about exactly what that meant so when Mom left I went online and did some research. Its kinda messed up. I mean, I would eat a bunny just as fast as anyone, but I wouldn't smear poison on its eyes. That's something a cat would do. And lets face it people, we should try not to act like cats. There are lots of options that companies can use that don't require testing on animals. Companies like Aveda, Bath and Body Works, Bonne Bell, Carmex, Burt's Bee's and Tom's of Maine can manage to produce perfectly usable cosmetic products without being mean to us guys. So, could you do me a solid and just check the back of the bottle before you buy? Its pretty easy. And don't get me started on Cigarette companies. Let's just say if you want to know more just google "Beagle animal testing". There are some pretty disturbing pictures and videos. Mom says Beagles are used more often than other dog breeds because of their sweet temperaments and the fact that they will basically do whatever you tell them for food. It's a weakness, what can I say. But seriously guys. It takes like three seconds to read the back of a bottle. If it says "not tested on animals" you're good. If not, check it out online. If they do test on animals and it's your favorite brand ever, you can always email them and be like "dude this cool beagle I know told me to let you know that I really don't like the fact that you test on animals and I am gonna stop using your product until you change that." It'll work if we all do it. Ok, thats all I guess. Just, take that three seconds. educate yourself about the stuff you buy. Cause you don't want to give your money to douche-bags, do you? I hope not. 

PANIC!

   Mom and Dad are leaving me! I can tell cause Mom is acting weird and looking at me all sad-like. She made the little stacks of clothes on the bed, and so far she hasn't made up a container of dog-chow. These are dark days my friends. I know that I will end up staying with Grandma, which is cool I guess. She likes to feed me mid-day "snacks". I'm a big fan of the idea. 
   
   What was I saying? Anyway. Mom's going to Urbana, IL. And leaving me here. If she ever comes back, I'm gonna ignore her for at least four hours. 

Guard Dogs to the Rescue!

   Ok, so big news guys. Last night, Bandit and I heard some noises coming from outside, and we (as usual) sounded the alarm to let Mom and Daddy know that stuff was happening. Daddy shushed us (as usual) and Mom didn't wake up. She's kinda scary like that. Then Grandma came running in from the other side and said "You guys! Get up and close your windows! There's a guy hiding from the police somewhere on our block and they don't know where he is! The neighbor got held outside his house for a half hour cause they had to verify who he was! There's cops everywhere!" Mom finally woke up and looked out the window and when I saw what she was looking at I howled like crazy! There were about five cops across the alley with K9 companions and flashlights, creeping through the dark yards and looking for someone. There were more cops in the other yards on our block, we could hear their dogs barking and see the lights from their flashlights flashing across our windows. Mom and Dad closed the windows in the rest of the house and locked them, and we went back to the bedroom to try to sleep. 

   We didn't really sleep but Mom did (what is wrong with her?) and she was startled awake when we heard "FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" from right outside our window. Bandit and I started going crazy and we heard the German Shepard from the K9 unit barking like mad from just outside the window. Mom jumped up and went to the window while Daddy tried to calm us down (yeah right). Mom said that outside the window in our neighbor's yard (luckily an abandoned house) there were about fifteen cops, with dogs. On top of the neighbor's garage/garden shed there was a man wearing a white wife-beater (wtf is up with that name?) he had his hands in the air and the cops said "GET DOWN! NOW!" the guy looked sort of pathetic and said "Ok..." He extended his arms to the cops. "Will you catch me?" The cops said "FUCK NO we're not gonna catch you! Get down!" They grabbed his hands and pulled him from the roof onto the ground, where they laid him on his front and put him in hand cuffs. Mom said this all happened about four feet from her face (in the window). I was too busy freaking out. Then the cops kept saying things like "Dude! Was that him? Is that the dude? That's the guy we saw in the front yard!" and "I was like 'DUDE! GET AWAY FROM THE FUCKING DOG! HE'S GONNA KILL YOU!'" Mom sat in the window for awhile listening to all of the cops unwinding and repeating the story to newcomers. All I heard was the hoity-toity K9 dog barking at Bandit and I. And a lot of the words Fuck, Fucking and Fucker. 

   Grandma came over again after finally getting Lucy to be quiet. She said that she was lying in bed after the cops had moved on from our yard and she heard the back gate creak. She immediately had to calm Lucy down, but when she laid back down she thought she saw something on the neighbors garage roof. She looked closer and there was a guy lying down on his back on the roof, she just noticed him cause he was levering himself up on his elbow to look over the edge. She called the cops and the lady on the other side of the phone told her not to scold Lucy for barking cause she was doing exactly what she should. Good lady. Then she said she would let the cops know where the guy was. So Grandma was a hero! Bandit and I were trying to tell everyone what was happening but no one wanted to listen. Typical. Still, I'm glad Grandma figured it out cause I didn't want to know what that guy was gonna do to my yard if he didn't get caught. Probably cover up my pee with his own. Not cool.

Hot Diggity Dogs.

   It's a good day to be a mostly black dog. I love sitting in the sun in the back yard while my people do all sorts of work-related activities. There's a nice cool breeze, and your fur gets all toasty and your eyes start to droop...Good stuff. Except when Mom got home from work today she discovered that the computer is dead. Uncle Mark confirmed that its the "hard drive". I don't really care except that I need to write my blog so Mom better come up with something soon or she's gonna lose her stenographer job. Cause right now she is writing on Grandma's computer and she seems to have lost the ability to type. Strange. I don't suppose any of my devoted fans might be able to give us a free computer? I think I warrant that kind of support but Mom is speculative. Usually we just get free computers through Uncle Mark or Grandpa Michael. Mom doesn't like to say this cause people might punch her, but she and Daddy have never bought a computer. It nice to have family in I.T. Plus when the hand-me-down computers eventually die we have someone to fix them! It's ok though, Mom is gonna go see my bff George at Chipheads and maybe he can help. At least we can give the dead laptop back and they can use it for parts. It's like a computer organ-donor. Mom says when she dies I can eat her organs if nobody finds her for awhile. I'm looking forward to it, but I wonder if I can get her to cook them for me before she passes. I really prefer the taste of lightly cooked meat.
  
   Anywho. Yesterday Mom cleaned out the car and put Tabs on it (She only had to pay $11 more than what she had already paid in Feb.) so she got the hose out to wash off all the poop-picking-up related equipment. It was kinda exciting but I wasn't a fan of her being on the other side of the fence. When she turned the water on to the hose I knew I should be careful, cause Mom and I have a past where hoses are concerned. She was filling up a bucket and she looked up at Bandit and Lucy and I and my heart grew full with misgivings. I just knew something bad was gonna happen so I started to step away when -BAM- a ton of water hit me straight in the face, going right up my nose and in my eyes. I made a noise that sort of sounded like "HOORARK!" And then I gave Mom my most disappointed look. She has a problem with hosing dogs down. I don't know what it is. Usually she's alright, but get a hose in her hand... I didn't talk to her again until dinner time. She apologized and insisted she had meant to lightly mist us cause we looked hot, but I knew the truth. I tried to tell Daddy about it when he got home but he just rolled his eyes and said "Oh, go write a blog about it." So I did. 

   
   
    

We hate the system.

   So, Mom paid for Tabs on her car in February when they were due, cause she is a good little citizen and she does what she's supposed to. And then the government never sent them to us. They cashed our check, and never sent them to us. And Mom was too busy being in the middle of February/March-lets-struggle-not-to-kill-ourselves so she never really noticed that the Tabs never came, cause she knew she had done her part and paid for them, right? Wrong. Yesterday a cop drove by the house and gave us a ticket cause our tabs are expired. And now Grandma says we can't drive our car cause if we do and they see that we still haven't updated our tabs they'll just keep giving us tickets. Why are humans so lame? Mom and I are gonna retreat to the woods and live in a little farm-house and be self-sufficient and the rest of humanity can wither and die.

   And that is what depression sounds like folks. Mom is trying to cut down on her medication that she thought didn't do anything anyway, but if a ticket makes her think this negatively maybe it did do something. On the upside, humans here finally decided to give everyone the right to marry, which is a total "duh" if you ask me. I think that humans have too much time on their hands, or maybe to much extra brain-juice and it makes them over-think things, and poke their noses in other people's lives. If another dog ever thought that it was okay to tell me who I could hump/and or snuggle with, I would snap at him so fast he wouldn't stand a chance. Then I would go around my territory and re-pee on the whole perimeter, cause clearly it wasn't strong enough if some jerk-dog thought he could just waltz in and tell me what to do. Only Mom and Daddy and Grandma and Lucy (and sometimes Chester) and sometimes some random humans get to tell me what to do! Yeah! 

Chester's Cat Blog

Hello Humans. You might think you're clever because you fixed the screen on the front window so I can't sneak out, but I will find a way. One day I will escape and I will lie in the sun and eat grass and there will be nothing you can do. HAHAHAHAHA.

Enjoy your peace while it lasts. 

Chester Out